As Sam continues to exhibit off track behaviour that implies he is feeling uncertain and emotional about his newly disturbed place in the family since Bea’s birth what he doesn’t know is that mummy has been having her own awkward feelings towards the new member of the family too. While Sam is struggling with his new position in our family it’s just as strange not having Sam as the centre of my universe any more.
I think I’ve been on auto pilot a bit these last few weeks as I’ve been trying to juggle two children and get used to caring for a newborn again. I feel as though I’ve not been able to devote enough attention to my little boy and at times have felt like a devoted servant to my greedy little ball of daughter. I’m not saying I’ve been harbouring bad thoughts about her, on the contrary, I have been excited and enthralled by her, it’s just I don’t think I had really bonded as a mother until the other night.
After Sam had gone to bed on Tuesday evening, I’d picked up around the house, hoovered, conquered the laundry mountain and fed Bea, and changed her nappy numerous times. It was late, definitely gone eleven, and I was exhausted but I still hadn’t got around to giving Bea a bath. It had been a while (uhm, days) since she last got cleaned up so begrudgingly I pulled out the little plastic bowl and gently bathed her in warm soapy water. She was very slippery and hard to hold. I was so afraid she’d shoot out of my grasp and go flying across the front room.
Once the scent of sour milk was washed away and she was sweet smelling again I wrapped her up in a soft towel and settled down on the floor to just cuddle her for a bit. I think it may have been the first time I was really able to take a moment to be quiet and just gaze at her since we got home from the hospital. I wasn’t feeding her, or changing her, or comforting her, or running around trying to do something else at the same time as hold her. She was just snuggled up in my arms, and she was wide eyed looking right back at me with dark damp tousled hair giving her an impish look. All of a sudden I couldn’t help it, I got overwhelmed and tears started running down my cheeks. She just reached right into my chest, got me right in the heart and gave me a good squeeze.
She’s beautiful and amazing. I can’t believe I have a daughter.